After Afghanistan
by SuperSabs
Summary: Starts after episode 5:19 Spoils of War. I just had this vision in my head of Kensi trying to "get better" without help. Chapter Five may be M in the first paragraph. Nothing explicit, but just warning you in case. Also, trigger warnings posted in chapters four and five. Eventual Deeks/Kensi. (I just can't bring myself to call it Densi.)
1. Chapter 1

_It was hard to think past the pain, which was weird, because she was a professional at being "fine". Compartmentalizing her discomfort, both physical and mental, had been a part of her life since the first time she was old enough to understand that her dad was shipping off to parts unknown. She could push herself through fear, fatigue, broken ribs, and throbbing headaches. She had battled, and won, with guns, knives, fists, and words. But this was different. Because this time, there was nothing she could do. She couldn't fight back. She couldn't press forward, because there was no goal to push herself toward. The very act of survival seemed too big. They weren't torturing her for information. They were abusing her for her crime of being female. And there wasn't a thing she could do about it. _

_At first she held back her screams. She didn't want to show weakness to the bastards who were holding her. Jack was already shrieking at them to stop hurting her, to punish him instead. She didn't want to make it worse for him. But as the pipe came crashing down on her again and again, her body reacted against her will, writhing and crying out in agony._

She sat bolt upright in her bed, covered in sweat, her eyes wet with tears. She patted her arms and legs in disbelief that the welts and bruises were nearly healed. The nightmare had been so real. She pulled her knees to her chest and cried. She was never going to be able to leave Afghanistan behind. The Taliban continued to hold her in their iron fist in spite of their 7,000 mile distance. Images came into her head unbidden, faces twisted into cruel expressions of hate. Sounds echoed in her mind, shouts in Arabic and chilling laughter mixed with Jack's screams for mercy on her behalf. And the pain, she could still feel the hands grabbing at her clothes and everything after that, culminating in that final, brutal beating that had left her all but dead. Bile rose in her throat, and she struggled to hold it down.

She knew that she was only alive because Deeks had managed to negotiate a hostage exchange. She knew that she owed him her life. And she hated that indebtedness. She had been ignoring his calls for two weeks, refusing to acknowledge the fact that she had to face what had happened head on. It was easier to spend the day pretending.

So today she was planning to head back into work. When her phone rang at 6:21, after two hours and eighteen minutes sitting on her bed unmoving, she actually answered it. Deeks was speechless on the other end.

"Um, hi. Um, Kensi?"

"What do you want?"

"Um, Callen said you were coming in today, I just wanted to see if you are okay?"

"I'm good."

"Good. That's good. Do you need anything? Is there anything I can do? I mean, you haven't talked to me in weeks. Are you really fine?"

"Shut up Deeks. I'm not invalid. Everything is healed. I'm fine."

And she hung up the phone, because she couldn't keep talking or the tears would come. She needed to get up, to get showered, to put on a happy face and prepare to face everyone at the OSP. Because she was fine. She was better than fine. She was good. And she was going to stay that way.


	2. Chapter 2

_She was better than fine. She was good. And she was going to stay that way._

Her resolve lasted about five minutes, until Hetty assigned her to join Eric in ops. The poor guy was visibly shaking; afraid Kensi was going to snap. He struggled to get sentences out because he was trying to watch what he said, avoiding words such as "attack", "capture", "exchange", even basic words like "afraid", "worried", "concerned", not to mention specific words like "Al Qaeda", "Iraq", and "rebel leader." It was ridiculous.

"Just say what you mean!" Kensi growled. "I'm not the marine we're hunting. Iraq isn't Afghanistan. And even if it were, I'm here. I'm home. I'm fine. You don't have to walk on eggshells around me."

More than anything, she just wanted things to be normal. She didn't want to be in ops. She wanted to be in the field with Deeks. She was angry that she wasn't, that she was being forced to stay here like a wounded puppy and grovel in the fact that something terrible had happened to her. She needed her old life back. She didn't want things to be different. She wanted to forget that the last few months had happened. She was trying with all her might to bury the anger and continue pretending that everything was good.

But she couldn't look Hetty in the eye without her nostrils flaring and her pupils dilating. She couldn't keep her mouth shut when Hetty tried to explain why she hadn't reassigned her to Deeks's side, offering her a cup of tea as if she hadn't just pulled the rug out from underneath Kensi's feet.

"What the hell, Hetty?"

"Language, Miss Blye." And she sipped her tea, her eyes boring into Kensi as if she were studying what lay beneath the surface. She leaned back in her chair, waiting for Kensi to say what she wanted to say.

"Deeks is my partner. I should be with him." Kensi stood over Hetty's desk, her muscles tense like a cheetah ready to pounce. The calm certainty with which she spoke did little to mask the unfurling rage.

Hetty took another sip of her tea, as if taunting the agent, stretching her patience as thin as possible before plucking it straight in two.

"But that isn't why you are angry, Miss Blye. Is it?"

With that simple statement, it all came crashing down. The walls she had built to hide the horror behind, were useless against the rising tirade. She wanted to throw that stupid teapot at Hetty and demand that she shut up. If Hetty wouldn't let her pretend that everything was good, then she sure as hell wasn't going to pretend that she wasn't angry at the tiny old woman. It was Hetty who had sent her halfway around the world with a mission to shoot a man that Hetty knew she couldn't shoot. It was Hetty who had withheld crucial information that could have prevented her and Jack from being captured. And now it was Hetty who was refusing to let Kensi step back into her old life as if nothing had happened.

Kensi's pulse increased. Her fists curled. Her skin reddened. She was ready to fight.

Hetty sat in her chair, relaxed, a teacup in one hand a saucer in the other, watching her agent. It was a gamble, but Hetty was a world class chess player.

With a huff, Kensi slid into the chair across from Hetty and dropped her head onto her arms. The pent up anger and energy evaporated, leaving her eyes vacant. She looked into Hetty's eyes and spoke.

"No. It's not."

And Hetty nodded her head, put down her cup, and walked away.


	3. Chapter 3

**Author's Note-** sorry this chapter is so short, but it ended at a good "thinking" point. I'm still not sure if I'm going to keep going with this. If canon diverges too far from my story I'll stop. Let me know what you think, what I could do better. Thanks!

"Why are you pushing me away?" Deeks asked, his eyes begging for an answer.

She couldn't look him in the eye, so she fixed her gaze across the street at the house they were surveilling. She didn't answer. She didn't know how.

"Come on, Kens. I need to know what is going on inside that pretty head of yours."

"No, you don't." Her whispered reply was so quiet that he almost didn't hear.

"That night before you left, you begged me to tell you what I wanted. I showed you my cards. I gave you everything. I thought that meant something!"

She flinched at the anger in his voice, and he recoiled, horrified that he was the cause of her discomfort.

"I'm sorry, I'm so sorry," he started, reaching out to her to reassure her that he didn't mean to scare her.

"Don't touch me."

He froze, blinking, speechless.

Even then, she wouldn't look at him. The meltdown in Afghanistan, when she had sobbed in his arms, it was purely a physical manifestation of the fatigue that she felt. She didn't, she couldn't, care for him anymore.

He didn't understand. He couldn't understand if she didn't talk to him. And she wouldn't talk.

"Did you mean it, that night in my bed, before you left? Did you mean what you said? Because I don't understand how you could go from there to here. Kensi, please. Look at me. Talk to me."

"They called me a whore."

She was still staring out the window, almost as if she didn't know she had spoken out loud. It was so sudden, so out of the blue that it took Deeks a moment to connect the dots. Her abusers had claimed to be punishing her for her sin. His eyes grew wide at the realization and he struggled to come up with a response.

Suddenly, the front door of the house burst open. Their mark was on the move, it was time to end the conversation and get back to work.

"He has the bag," Kensi commented, changing the subject.

Kensi took off, faster than Deeks, so he didn't hear what she muttered under her breath as she set out to cut off their suspect from the back.

"I'm sorry Deeks."


	4. Chapter 4

** Author's Note:** _I don't want anyone to think Kensi is falling into alcoholism here, she's just having a beer at home after work. _

**_TRIGGER WARNING- rape_**

The bottle in her hand did little to dull her memories.

_She couldn't face the fact that it was Deeks' words that had been in her mind after the men had pulled Jack from the cave and snuffed out the fire. She was prepared for whatever was coming, and even though she had just battled her feelings for Jack, she remembered that Deeks had pictured her smile, imagined her laughter, dreamed of her happiness when Sidorov's men had been drilling into his jaw. She vowed to do the same. She would separate herself from the dark cave and remember the sat phone calls, the self portrait he had sent, their night together so many months ago._

She took another sip of the dark amber liquid, knowing it wouldn't work, but hoping to end the flow of memories.

_The first blow barely registered. Her mind was sharp, focused elsewhere, ignoring the chatter of the men. Suddenly, she heard English from one of her captors, bringing her back to her present situation._

_"Infidel. You lived with a man who was not your husband." And he spat in her face. And although she knew he was talking about the conversation she had just had with Jack, it was Deeks' face that flashed through her mind._

She took a final swig from her bottle, unaware of the tears that were tracking down her cheeks.

_As they continued to abuse her, with stones and sticks, with their hands and feet, they laughed and jeered and called her a whore. When they tore her clothes and claimed her body, they whispered in her ears that she deserved this. They bragged and asked if Jack had felt like this. They didn't know about Deeks. They never said his name, yet she pictured herself with him and equated the repeated thrusting of her abusers with consequences of her own actions._

She tipped back her bottle, realizing it was empty. She threw it across the room, where it smashed against the wall. The little pieces of brown glass clattered to the floor, forcing her to remember the glass bottle that had been shattered across her head.

_When she woke up, they had re-lit the fire and brought Jack back in, chaining him just far enough away that he couldn't reach her. And while they didn't rape her again, they added it to her list of crimes, giving her multiple blows in memoriam of each sexual partner. And although they didn't know about Deeks, in her mind, every single punch, every single kick, every crashing strike of a rock was because of Deeks._

_She didn't know how it had gotten so twisted. By the third day, she wasn't even sure if her memories were real, or just a side effect of repeated blows to the head. Her mind was at war, one minute desperately wanting to be in Deeks' arms, the next recoiling in horror at the thought._

She was so far gone into her memories; she didn't hear the knocking at the door. She didn't hear Nell asking if she was okay. She didn't hear Nell turning away, assuming she was away from home or fast asleep. And even if she had, she wouldn't have answered the door anyway.


	5. Chapter 5

**Authors Note: **Sorry for another short chapter, but I'm trying to keep what happens at night and what happens during the day separate.

**Warning: The first paragraph turns really dark, trigger for rape. Possible M rating.**

It was a wonderful dream at first. A cross between her night with Deeks and every fantasy she had ever had. His hands and mouth were all over her body, doing things she never imagined possible. Her arousal was so intense that a smoldering look from his eyes was enough to send her over the edge. But he didn't stop there. Against the front door, on the couch, in a field of wild flowers, the location changed in an ever swirling dream haze, but the feel of him filling her up, both body and soul, held constant. It was indescribably wonderful, until suddenly they were in a cave, and she was bloody and bruised, and three men were holding her down and Deeks' thrusts were no longer loving, but full of hatred. It was Deeks' face smirking as he scratched at her, Deeks' voice whispering in her ear that she was a disgusting whore.

She woke up with an overwhelming need to vomit, barely making it to the bathroom before emptying her stomach into the toilet. She didn't rise from the floor, simply closing the lid, and laying her head on the cool porcelain after flushing. There would be no more sleep tonight.

When she could no longer feel her feet, and her knees screamed for mercy, she rose from the floor and turned on the shower. Slowly, mechanically, she removed her clothes and stepped into the warm spray. There was no conscious thought, as she went through a familiar routine, scrubbing her body and washing her hair, rinsing her mouth with the warm water and spitting into the drain. Getting rid of the sweat and vomit as if it hadn't happened.

When she stepped out of the bathroom, she was good. The nightmares were left behind. She was ready to face another day. She didn't notice when she had to tighten her belt an extra notch while getting dressed. She failed to eat breakfast and her body never once protested. Her mind was so focused on keeping a smile on her face, that all else slipped through her fingers like water.


	6. Author's Note

Not a story update- Just a quick note for the commenter who was too ashamed to even leave a name or a way for me to message. I'm sorry if you hate my story. You don't have to read it. But I am a bit confused. Why do you think I am trying to say Deeks is perfect? Is it because she cares about him and you think she shouldn't? And what exactly am I doing to Kensi's character that you don't like? Do you hate what I'm writing because you want Bad Ass Blye back? Why do you think that a prisoner of war won't have mind twisting nightmares? I am trying to portray a situation where she was mentally tortured. She would do anything to undo the damage. She's trying to forget what happened. My grandfather was a prisoner of war, and he went through hell. His mind was never the same after. I'm hoping to get Kensi through without permanent damage. Why do you think I am cold and heartless? Do you think I enjoy torturing Kensi? I have firsthand knowledge of how easy it is for things to get twisted up in the head after abuse. Or are you upset because of the rape? I honestly debated about including that, but it makes it easier to grasp her conflicted feelings about Deeks. I know you won't answer, but I wish you would. I don't understand your comment at all. 


	7. Chapter 6

**Author's Note:** Thanks for the kind words reviewers. That was obviously my first experience with nasty, hateful reviews. I hope you find this chapter to your liking. I tried to make it longer.

"Deeks and Callen, go check out the wife. Sam, I want you and Kensi to talk to the girlfriend."

"But…" the four agents unanimously disagreed with Hetty's assignment.

"No arguments," Hetty cut them off before they could even begin complaining. The petite woman gave each of her agents the stink eye before turning on her heel and leaving Ops.

"What the hell?" Deeks mumbled.

"I heard that Mister Deeks," came echoing back up into the room.

"How does she do that?" the detective asked.

"It's Hetty," Callen answered.

Sam nodded his agreement, "She knows everything."

The four agents gathered their gear and headed out to accomplish their respective tasks.

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"How are you holdin' up, Kens?" Sam asked as he merged his car into the flow of traffic.

"Fine."

"How are you really doing?" He turned to look at her, his eyes full of compassion.

She rolled her eyes at him. "I'm good. Really."

"Have you talked to anyone?"

"Seriously, Sam, what's with the twenty questions?"

"I've been there, Kensi. I know what you are going through."

"You have no idea."

She knew as soon as she said it that she was screwed. She'd accidentally let Sam get his toe in the door and there would be no turning back now. With those four words, she had just admitted that she was far from fine.

"Kensi," Sam nearly whispered, the brotherly love he felt for her evident in his voice.

"Just drop it," she growled.

"You know I can't do that."

"We have a job to do."

"It can wait."

"I'm not talking about it."

"You have to talk sometime."

"No. No I don't."

Sam wanted to drive right past the address. He wanted to keep Kensi captive in his car, to force her to talk. But he didn't. He pulled into the cheap motel, and Kensi had the door open before the car was even parked.

After the interview, Kensi was smiling when they got into the car.

"What a piece of work!" she laughed.

Sam replied with his signature smirk and started the engine, wordlessly starting the drive home. He wanted to pretend like their earlier conversation hadn't happened. He wanted to keep Kensi smiling. But he knew that wasn't in her best interest, and he wanted what was best for her.

"Do you know why Hetty split everyone up today?" he asked, wondering if he could steer the conversation where he wanted it.

"Callen probably made her mad," she joked.

"Deeks chatter could certainly qualify as punishment."

There was a moment of silence while Sam thought about his next step.

"It could have something to do with the tension between you and your partner." When he said it, he heard a whoosh of air as Kensi gasped.

Trying to recover, she pasted on a smile and asked, "What tension?"

"Come on, Kens. We can all see it. What's going on between you two?"

"Nothing," her answer was firm and clear. Sam could practically hear the unspoken "not anymore."

"But there was, wasn't there? Before Afghanistan? "

"How did…"

"Federal agent," he interrupted her, puffing out his chest.

Even in the midst of this conversation that she didn't want to have, she smiled.

"So what changed?" Sam asked. "Was it Afghanistan?"

"Yes," Kensi whispered.

"Kens, you pulled him through after Sidorov, let him help you now."

"I can't, Sam. This is different."

"How?"

"Because it's his fault!"

She didn't mean to say it, much less shout it.

"Kensi, you know that's not true." Sam's response was quiet, pleading with her to acknowledge the truth.

"I know, I know, I know. I didn't mean to say that," she back pedaled.

"But you did say it. Which means at least part of you believes it," Sam spoke as he approached Ops. He decided this time to keep driving because this conversation needed to happen and he knew if Kensi bolted now she might never confront her feelings.

Sam let the silence hang in the air as he waited for Kensi to respond. The furrows in her brow indicated that she was finally thinking, processing. He didn't want to interrupt.

"If we hadn't…" she couldn't finish the sentence. She couldn't tell Sam about sleeping with her partner, even if he suspected the truth.

"Slept together?" he finished for her.

She nodded, not wanting to have this conversation but seeing no way out of it.

Sam was struggling to connect what happened in Afghanistan to what had happened between Deeks and Kensi before her assignment overseas.

"You don't feel that way towards him and now you're uncomfortable after what transpired between you?"

"God, no. If only it were that easy."

Now Sam was thoroughly confused.

"I love him, Sam," her brow crinkled as she struggled to find the words to continue, "but they ruined that."

"The Taliban?"

"They punished me for being unwed. They thought it was just Jack, but I couldn't stop thinking about Marty."

It didn't slip past Sam that she had called her partner by his first name.

"And now, with the nightmares. I can't look at him in the eye anymore."

Silence settled in the car as Sam looped back around toward Ops. He knew Kensi and Deeks needed to get through this together. He just didn't have a clue how to help them.


	8. Chapter 7

**Author's Note:** Sorry for the short chapter. I just wasn't sure where to go next. I know it's kind of OOC for them to talk about her 'behind her back' but it makes sense here, I hope. Will they talk to Kensi right away now? Talk to Deeks first? Hetty? Call in Nate? What do you think?

"G., I'm worried about Kensi," Sam surprised Callen by interrupting the comfortable silence in the boathouse. The two agents were watching the big screen as Kensi interrogated a suspect. Deeks was off somewhere scrounging up something that could pass as lunch.

"She _looks_ like she's doing great," Callen responded. He paused before he continued, "But something is off. I can't put my finger on it."

"Have you noticed how she won't look Deeks in the eye?"

"She doesn't look me in the eyes either. Never has."

"Callen, that's not the point! There is an icy wall between the two of them now, and it isn't good for either of them."

Callen thought for a minute before speaking.

"Deeks has been off, too. Last week when Hetty made me take him to interview the wife of that dead marine, he didn't make a single wise crack."

Sam grunted. Callen couldn't help but smile. Sam must have used up all his words for the day.

"Do you think they broke up?" Callen asked with a teasing glint in his eye.

"That would require them to be in a relationship," Sam responded on instinct.

"Weren't they?" Callen pressed, trying to lighten the mood.

"If you can count one night."

"Agent Sam Hanna, do you know something you're not telling me? " Callen fully expected Sam to continue to deny that anything had happened between Deeks and Kensi.

"I talked to Kensi last week."

Suddenly the light hearted banter was gone, the humid ocean-side air became nearly stifling. Callen held his breath unwittingly, knowing Sam was about to share, knowing it wasn't good news.

"She's really struggling, G. They messed her up good over there."

The regret in Sam's voice was evident.

"Why didn't she say anything to me?" Callen nearly whined, wishing he could take away his friend's pain.

"She's trying to move on as if nothing happened. But she can't. I don't know what they did, but they messed with her head. She called what they did to her 'punishment'."

Callen connected the dots. "She believes she deserved it," he whispered.

Sam nodded.

"She blames Deeks."

Callen was stunned by Sam's words, "Why?"

Sam just shook his head. He couldn't wrap his mind around it any more than Callen could. They watched Kensi on the screen in front of them, carefully observing her.

"Sam, does she look like she's lost weight?"

"Yeah, yeah she does."

"How did I not notice that?" Callen berated himself. A fine team leader he was being.

"I bet she isn't sleeping either," he added.

Sam nodded, "Nightmares."

"But she's still damn good at her job," Callen said after noticing the look of triumph on her face. "She just got the confession."


	9. Chapter 8

** Author's Note:** Here is my attempt at a longer chapter. Please don't flip out halfway through this one, read the whole thing. I know what I'm doing.

_"But she's still damn good at her job," Callen said._

The words were still echoing in Sam's ears when Kensi came out of the interrogation room with a grin on her face.

"That's how you do it, boys," she boasted proudly, lightly tapping her chest like a gorilla. Callen laughed, easily dropping the previous conversation and slipping into his usual pattern with Kensi.

Sam just nodded his head.

Kensi looked around before asking, "Deeks?"

"Lunch," Sam answered succinctly, watching Kensi grab a bottle of water from the fridge.

Kensi made a horrified face as she sat down at the table. Callen smiled.

"It can't be as bad as last time," Callen stated.

"That's what you said _last_ time," Kensi replied.

Suddenly the boathouse door banged open.

"I couldn't decide," Deeks announced gleefully, "so I got one of everything." He dropped multiple greasy paper bags onto the table. Everyone's attention shifted to the questionably edible items that he began pulling out. After handing out an absurd assortment of fried foods, he opened the last bag and started handing out desserts.

"Kensalina, I got this one just for you," Deeks leaned over to hand her a hot donut dripping with chocolate frosting. His sleeve caught on Kensi's open bottle of water, and both the water and the donut landed in her lap.

With a girly squeak, Kensi leapt to her feet, the now soggy donut squelching as it hit the floor.

"Oops," Deeks said, chagrined.

"It's fine," Kensi reassured everyone, shaking the water drops off the hem of her shirt. Sam turned around for the paper towels, and Deeks dove to scoop up the donut. Only Callen noticed when Kensi went silent, blinked, and collapsed. It took a second for anyone to react; everyone was so surprised to see Kensi faint.

The three men ran to Kensi's side, their heads touching as they leaned over her. Kensi opened her eyes, blinked, and said "Well, I know I'm not dead."

"Are you…" Callen started to ask if she was okay, but then her statement registered. "Wait, what?"

"You three are the least angelic looking faces I could possibly imagine," she said with a smile as she grabbed Sam's hand and pulled herself to a seated position on the floor.

"Seriously?" Deeks feigned innocence, "This face just screams cherubic."

Deeks was trying to slip back into how things used to be with Kensi. If you squinted your eyes and didn't look too close, the easy banter was there.

"It screams something all right," Kensi smirked as she stood up and headed to the fridge for a new bottle of water.

"Hold it," Callen stopped her. "What just happened? I have never seen you pass out. What's going on?"

Without thinking, Deeks jokingly asked, "You're not pregnant are you?"

The room suddenly went silent. She didn't say no.

"No," Deeks whispered, "No, no, no, no, no." His voice raising in volume with each plea. "It's not possible, it was months ago. You were in Afghanistan," He rushed the words, his mouth dumping thoughts before his mind could even catch up. But then he paused, his eyes widening. "You were in Afghanistan."

Kensi glared at Callen, turned on her heel, and locked herself in the bathroom without saying a word.

"Why'd she glare at me?" Callen asked.

"Because she won't look at Deeks," Sam answered.

"What just happened?" Deeks asked. "Please tell me they didn't do what I think they did to her."

"It makes sense," Sam answered. A terribly uncomfortable silence pervaded the room.

"I texted Nell," Callen broke the spell, "Kensi needs a female friend." He paused, let out a sigh, and added, "And a pregnancy test."

"I don't think she's pregnant," Sam stated.

"I sure hope not," Callen added.

Deeks wasn't talking, his eyes wide, his mind reeling, he listened to the two senior agents.

"We both noticed she's lost some weight," Sam continued. Deeks let out a small moan at the fact that they had noticed what he had failed to see.

Callen followed the line of thinking, "She's probably not eating enough. Low blood sugar, combined with standing up suddenly. It happens."

Sam nodded in agreement.

"When Michelle was pregnant, her breasts got bigger, even when she lost a little weight in the beginning."

"Seriously Sam!" Callen admonished, "You were looking at Kensi's boobs?"

"Wait, wait, wait," Deeks finally spoke up. Sam and Callen turned to face him.

"She didn't answer," Deeks stated. "That doesn't mean it's true. Or even a possibility. Maybe she didn't answer because it was such a stupid question. Maybe the last time she had sex was when we…" Deeks stopped himself, slapping his hand over his mouth.

"Dude," Callen rolled his eyes, "We knew."

"So maybe they didn't rape her, right?" Deeks begged.

"Maybe not," Sam answered, "But Deeks, you need to know something. Whatever they did to her, it wasn't just physical. They got into her head somehow. She's trying desperately to forget it, but burying it isn't making it better."

"She needs to talk about it," Callen added. "She's got things all mixed up in her head."

"She told me she loves you," Sam comment made Deeks jump.

"What?"

"She said she loves you, but they ruined that. In her mind, she's tangled up her feelings for you with the abuse. She called it punishment for sleeping with you."

"What?" Deeks asked again, his brain failing to grasp what Sam had just said.

"You guys need to talk," Callen summarized. "She is really confused. She is scared of her feelings for you, and in her sleep deprived, nightmare riddled, PTSD brain, it has turned into fear _of_ you. She needs to understand that she can trust you."

"It's going to be hard," Sam stated.

"You're going to want to give up," Callen continued. "But you have to decide now. Either you go back to LAPD, or you be the partner Kensi needs, both on and off the job. She can't continue trying to work with you unless you work through this with her."

Deeks opened and shut his mouth a few times like a fish out of water. "Are you telling me to leave?"

"Quite the opposite, I hope."

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"Kens," Nell knocked on the bathroom door, "You have to come out sometime."

"No I don't," she replied.

"At least let me in," Nell added. When there was no response, she added, "I have to pee." It wasn't a lie.

Nell heard the door unlock, and when it didn't open she cautiously turned the knob and entered the tiny bathroom.

"Why are you here?" Kensi asked from her seat on the floor.

"I have to pee," Nell answered.

"Why aren't you in Ops," Kensi pressed. "The guys called you, didn't they?"

Nell bit her bottom lip and muttered "Yeah" without fully opening her mouth.

"I'm fine."

"I know," Nell answered, while reaching into her purse. Kensi didn't even react when Nell pulled out a cardboard box and handed the pregnancy test to her.

"I'll give you some privacy," Nell whispered as she turned her face toward the door, "But I'm not leaving until we know the answer."

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Five minutes later Nell and Kensi exited the bathroom together. The guys were laughing about something, but they froze when the door opened.

With a big smile on her face, Kensi announced, "I told you I'm fine!" And she threw the negative pregnancy test onto the table before marching out the door with Nell.

"She's not fine," Sam stated.

"She needs to eat," Callen added.

"She needs me," Deeks finished.

Sam and Callen just nodded.


	10. Chapter 9

**Author's Note: **_ Thanks for all the positive feedback. I have never managed to keep a story going (well this is only my third attempt...) but I am very optimistic about this one having a happy ending._

Monty barely moved, just his eyes, tracking back and forth as Deeks paced in front of him, from one side of the room to the other, practically wearing a path in the carpet in front of the couch. Deeks, unlike the dog, was a mass of kinetic energy; he was muttering under his breath, his hands were moving as if he were gesticulating in a wild argument, even his curly hair quivered with the strength of his pent up anxiety. He glanced at his phone again, barely believing what he read.

"I'll be right there."

Kensi was bringing dinner over. She had no idea what Deeks was planning. This could easily turn very, very bad. A staccato knock on the door alerted Deeks to Kensi's arrival. Monty jumped up and ran to the door, wagging his tail.

"They were out of the foot longs, so I got you two regulars, and I splurged and got you those fried cheese things you love," Kensi was talking before he even had the door all the way open, handing him the bag of food as she kicked off her shoes.

"So what movie did you get?" She continued, not giving Deeks a chance to speak. She pulled two beers out of the refrigerator, handed him one, and settled herself onto the couch.

"Where's your dinner?" Deeks asked, confused.

"I'm fine," Kensi replied flippantly, hurrying on to try to guess what movie they were going to watch. "Is it a comedy? An old Western? No, no, I know. A black and white horror flick, right?"

"Kensi," Deeks stopped her. He held out one of the hot dogs. "Eat it."

"It's yours, you wanted '12 whole inches of greasy hot dog goodness'," Kensi pushed the food back toward Deeks.

"I was going to share that foot long wiener with you. You know, Lady and the Tramp style."

"Did you just say wiener?"

"I did." Deeks smiled, still holding the hot dog up in the air. Suddenly, his eyes flashed with mischief and he used his free hand to tickle Kensi, just enough to get her to open her mouth so he could shove the end of the bun between her lips.

"Score!" He shouted as Kensi sputtered crumbs, now holding the hot dog in her hand.

"You've got something there," Deeks reached toward Kensi's chin, using his thumb to swipe the offending piece of bread free. His breath hitched as he felt her warm breath on his fingers, and he pulled his hand back quickly, unsure if she had noticed. He looked up, and for the first time since Afghanistan, caught her looking at him. That brief moment of eye contact spoke volumes. Deeks could see her struggling, fighting the urge to look away before succumbing. She could see the depth of his love in those eyes, and in that accidental glimpse, she knew that her mental ghosts were liars. There was no way this Deeks would ever hurt her. But it was too much, because she couldn't shake the images, the twisted false memories, the nightmares. So she tore her eyes away and focused on the hot dog in her hand.

Kensi sighed and took a bite. "Happy?"

"No, but I'm getting there."

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He wasn't sure how it had happened, but he was afraid to breath in case the barest movement of his chest would startle her awake. Kensi was sleeping. Not just sleeping, drooling. On his shoulder. So the movie was a bit boring, but he wasn't going to turn it off. Kensi needed to sleep. So he continued watching, absentmindedly starting to rub circles on Kensi's back. She made a happy little sound, and snuggled further into him, her arm wrapping around his chest. Again he froze, afraid to breath, afraid of what would happen when she woke up. She had spent most of the evening avoiding looking at him. He had spent most of the evening just trying to get her to feel relaxed in his presence. He wasn't sure if she would be relieved, scared, angry, or happy when she woke up in his arms. He was praying for the latter.

The movie ended, the screen went black. Kensi slept on. Deeks' eyelids grew heavy as he watched his partner sleep, and before he knew it, he fell asleep, too, his cheek resting on Kensi's head.

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The next morning, Kensi and Deeks walked into work together. Kensi was eating a donut. And smiling. And wearing the same shirt as yesterday. Callen and Sam looked at each other, silently having a conversation that went something like this. _They spent the night together. There is no way. She's smiling. And eating. Maybe she ran out of clean laundry. _Kensi herself interrupted the silent conversation by publicly thanking Deeks for allowing her to sleep on his couch.

"Just the couch?" Callen couldn't help asking, smiling at Sam.

Kensi rolled her eyes. "Seriously, guys? You all know what happened in Afghanistan." And all the gaiety in the room evaporated.

"We're sorry," Sam started.

"Don't be," Kensi answered. "You want me to get better? We're going to have to quit avoiding the elephant in the room."

"Wise words, Miss Blye," Hetty spoke from behind, startling them all. "Perhaps you four would like an afternoon of privacy in the boat shed? Mr. Getz will be there at noon so you can all discuss the 'elephant' together."

And then Hetty was gone like the ninja spy she was.

"Wait, you haven't spoken to Nate yet?" Deeks asked Kensi.

"No," she answered. "Didn't think I needed to. Hetty reassigned me without it."

"You wouldn't have told him the truth anyway," Callen stated, "Would you?"

"No," Kensi replied, "Not then, I would have lied to get back in the field."

"What's different now?" Sam asked.

"Lying isn't working."

"No, Miss Blye, it doesn't."

Everyone looked around at the sound of Hetty's voice, but she was nowhere to be seen.

"That lady is creepy," Deeks stated.


	11. Chapter 10

** Author's Note:** S_orry for the longer wait for this one. I was home last week with a sick little one, now I'm back at work so my free time is limited. I hope it was worth the wait. I'm pretty sure this boat shed conversation will go on for a number of chapters, but this felt like a good place to pause the conversation and let you guys see where everyone is._

"What happened last night between you and Kensi?" Callen asked Deeks while they sat on the couch eating lunch. "She looks better today," he observed.

Deeks smiled and let out a wistful sigh. "She slept."

"And?"

"No, I mean, she slept. Without nightmares. I don't think she's done that since…" Deeks didn't know how to end that sentence, but Callen knew what he meant. Since being ordered to shoot her ex-fiance, since running away to find him, since being captured by the Taliban, since being abused physically, sexually, and mentally, since being rescued, since coming home. Callen understood.

"And the sudden willingness to talk about it?" Callen asked, wondering if Deeks had any insight into Kensi's change of heart.

"I don't know. We didn't talk about it. I did get her to eat. And she looked at me." Deeks thought out loud.

"As in looked you in the eye?"

"Yeah, briefly," Deeks answered. "There was so much pain and confusion, and she looked away so fast. I have no idea what's going on."

"It'll be good for her to talk with Nate," Callen stated. "Speaking of the devil…"

Nate walked into the boathouse with a smile, saying, "Hey guys!"

"Hi."

"Hey."

"Where are the others?"

"On their way."

"Isn't it a little weird for Hetty to send everyone together?" Nate questioned.

"It is," Deeks nodded.

"She seems to always be one step ahead of us, though," Callen added. "Maybe Kensi needs to say some stuff that she's only going to want to say once."

"I'm nervous," Deeks admitted.

"Why?" Nate asked, "What's eating you?"

Deeks paused before answering. "I don't want to know."

Callen paused for a second before realizing what Deeks was saying.

"You don't want to hear the details of Kensi's imprisonment," Nate clarified.

"I _can't_," Deeks begged for mercy with his eyes.

"I'm going to go call Sam, I'll be right back," Callen gracefully extracted himself from the couch, leaving Deeks and the psychologist to talk in private.

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"So what changed," Nate asked, "Why are we all here today?"

"Because Hetty made us?" Deeks answered, attempting to lighten the mood and make it easier for Kensi. She offered him a weak smile of appreciation before answering Nate.

"Yesterday, in the bathroom, before Nell came, I couldn't stop thinking that Deeks was right. It's been six weeks; I've been throwing up and constantly nauseous. God, if I…" she blew a huff of air through pursed lips, trying to steady herself.

"And right outside that door," she picked up another line of thought, "you knew." She looked at Sam and Callen, and then her eyes settled on Deeks.

"You knew everything," she was speaking only to Deeks.

"And nothing," Deeks whispered. Kensi nodded, biting her lip, struggling to find the words to carry on.

"I need you, all of you," she waved her hand at the others in the room, "to stop acting like I'm a cracked vase, ready to shatter at the slightest provocation. Yesterday," she took a deep breath.

"Yesterday you," and now she was looking only at Deeks, "learned something that I didn't want you to know. That made you look at me different. And I wanted to run away. But you wouldn't let me." Kensi paused before looking at Nate.

"That's why we are here," she answered, "because he," she nodded towards Deeks, "grabbed onto me and wouldn't let me keep running. He force fed me a hot dog," Sam snorted and Deeks grinned, "and watched over me while I slept. He kept the nightmares away and made sure I ate again this morning."

"Good," Nate stated simply.

" I didn't throw up today."

"Good," Sam echoed Nate's sentiment. There was a moment of comfortable silence, while everyone processed Kensi's confession.

"Can we talk about yesterday?" Nate asked, thinking about the fact that Kensi appeared relieved to not be vomiting. "I'd like to start with your reactions when Kensi fainted." Nate looked around the room, noting the nods of approval.

"Callen, what was going through your head?"

"Shock. I mean, she had just nailed the suspect to the wall. Sam and I were a bit concerned because we noticed she had lost some weight, but the way she came out of that interrogation room like she owned the place…"

"You boys were out here chit-chatting about my weight while I was hard at work?" Kensi interrupted, a glimmer of mischief in her eyes. Nate noted that this team was phenomenal at keeping the heavy stuff light hearted.

Callen shook his head, the corner of his mouth turned up, before answering.

"Yeah. Sam needed diet tips."

"What?" Sam feigned shock, "G., why you throwing me under the bus? You know you were the one wanting to drop a few pounds for your new lady friend."

Nate noted that Kensi was smiling. A real smile.

"Go on, Callen," Nate directed, "back to yesterday."

"Deeks brought lunch in and proceeded to dump a bottle of water and dripping donut into Kensi's lap."

"Hey," Deeks interrupted, "it was an accident!"

"Uh-huh," Callen humored him, "So she jumped up from her seat and Sam and the klutz jumped into clean up action. I was still watching Kensi."

"You saw her go down," Nate clarified.

"Yeah. It was surreal. Like it wasn't really happening. One minute she was fine, glaring at Deeks as if she were angry but obviously faking it. The next… It was like the lights went out, her eyes went blank and she just collapsed."

"And how did that make you feel?" Nate questioned.

"Seriously?" Callen raised his eyebrow at the doctor, "Should I be laying on the couch for this part?"

Sam smirked at his partner's disdain for 'head-shrinking'.

Nate calmly ignored Callen's outburst, maintaining eye contact until Callen caved and answered the question.

"Fear. I was afraid that Sam was right, that Kensi really was in way over her head, that maybe we wouldn't get her back. I had tried to convince myself that she was doing great. When she passed out, I couldn't pretend anymore."

Nate nodded before continuing the questioning, "Sam, what were your concerns about Kensi? Why did Callen just say that he was afraid that you were right? Right about what?"

"She has been really uncomfortable around Deeks."

When Sam didn't elaborate, Nate urged him to continue.

"I think she blames him, somehow."

"Why do you think that?" Nate asked.

Sam caught Kensi's eye, silently asking for her permission to share what he knew. Instead of nodding her assent, she spoke up.

"Because I told him it was Deeks' fault." She glanced at her partner with shame evident before quickly turning her gaze to her hands twisting in her lap.

Deeks' eyes grew wide, and he involuntarily gasped, drawing everyone's attention except Kensi's.

She just hung her head lower and whispered, "I didn't mean it."

"But you said it?" Nate asked.

"Yes," Kensi whispered.

"It was because of the nightmares, wasn't it?" Callen asked, causing Kensi to wrinkle her brow in confusion.

"Maybe?" she tried to answer him.

"They definitely don't help. Everything is just so…" she struggled to find the right word, "tangled? Muddy? It's like I can't remember what is real and what is false. They knocked me out so many times…" She shook her head before continuing.

"How many rocks did they throw? How many times did they strike me? How many men…"

"Stop," Deeks whispered, "please." He held his breath, silently begging her to look up. His eyes sought hers. She made eye contact. He let his breath out slowly. He watched some of the tension leave her; the crinkles around her eyes lessening, the wringing of her hands stopping.

"Let's go back to yesterday," Nate tried to redirect the conversation. "Sam, how did you react when Kensi passed out?"

"I thought we were going to talk about Afghanistan," Kensi stated, confused by Nate's line of questioning.

"Do you want to?" Nate asked.

"No."

"Then we won't. Not today."

"Ok. Not today."

"Not today," Deeks echoed, letting out an enormous sigh of relief.


	12. Chapter 11

**Author's Note: **I apologize again for the delay, the Holy Week kept me busy. I promise I won't disappoint you. This story does have an ending in my mind. Just be patient with me as I work it out on paper. I wanted to thank you all again for your encouraging words. You are the reason this story is coming to completion instead of being abandoned, and I really appreciate that. Thank you.

_"Not today," Deeks echoed, letting out an enormous sigh of relief._

"So," Nate pressed, "Sam, yesterday."

"I don't know, I just went into action. Didn't really think about it at all."

"Deeks?" Nate questioned.

"I was terrified."

"Isn't that a little extreme?" Nate asked, "You've seen Kensi face off against some of the scariest people on the planet. What made this fainting spell so frightening?"

"I thought she was dead, in Afghanistan. I saw the picture. I almost lost myself in that moment, when I thought she was dead." He ran his hands through his hair. Everyone waited for him to go on.

"And then she was home, but she wasn't okay. And I didn't know what to do, so I tried to pretend that everything was okay. But I couldn't fake it, because it wasn't the same as before. She wouldn't look at me." He looked over at Kensi, catching her eye, holding her gaze.

"I'm sorry," she whispered.

"And then, yesterday, I know it wasn't logical," Deeks' continued, "but when she went down, I thought she was dead. And it all came back. And I realized that if I lose her, I will lose myself, too." He paused, taking a deep breath.

"After Afghanistan, I know what I'm capable of, and it terrifies me."

"You're afraid that if Kensi doesn't recover, you'll have no reason to continue following the rules?" Nate clarified.

Deeks nodded.

"And when she sat up again, and you realized she was at least physically okay, what were you feeling then?"

"Relief," Deeks answered, "So much relief. For a moment I slipped back into old habits and asked the stupidest question possible. And then it was like the world ended. Again."

"Okay," Nate stopped questioning Deeks and looked at everyone in the room. "Now we're going to talk about what happened next." He paused, letting everyone think about it.

" Kensi, when you heard Deeks ask you if you were pregnant, what were your thoughts and feelings?"

She exhaled a shuddering breath and whispered, "I thought it was true. As soon as he said the word, a rock landed in my gut, and I had to vomit, and I was convinced it was true."

"How did that make you feel?"

"Are you _kidding_ me?" she asked, annoyed at the question.

"You don't have to answer, Kens," Deeks interrupted.

"But you should," Sam argued.

"At first," she started, "I just felt sick. I couldn't stop thinking of all the times I've thrown up since we got home. But once I had emptied everything into the toilet, I realized I couldn't walk back out that door and face all of you."

"Thank you, by the way," she paused in her explanation to address Callen, "for calling Nell."

"You're welcome," he calmly responded.

"Where was I?" she asked, distracted.

"After you threw up…" Nate reminded her.

"Two things were haunting me. First, that now the three of you were aware I'd been raped." She said the word in a detached manner, almost as if she were talking about someone else, just a case they were working on. Even so, Deeks flinched visibly, Callen looked at his lap, and Sam swallowed heavily. Nate noted the reactions of the men.

"Honestly," she continued, "My biggest concern was that you'd treat me different. The rape wasn't a very big deal to me. Of all the things they did to me, _that_," she overemphasized the word, "was one of the least painful. At least at first."

"What do you mean by that?" Nate asked. No one noticed Deeks, struggling to breath, unable to understand how she could be so flippant about the rape. _Not a big deal?_ he questioned in his mind, _how is that possible?_

"Can I talk with you alone, later?" she asked Nate.

"Sure."

Deeks let out a breath he had been holding. He didn't have to listen to the details. But he still couldn't understand how calm she was.

"The second thing," Kensi paused, trying to put her fear into words. "The second thing was what was really bothering me." She bit her lip, struggling to go on.

"Can I wait to discuss that until it is just you and me?" she asked Nate.

"Of course," he answered, "Can we talk about how you are afraid that everyone will treat you different now? Is that basically why everyone is here now?"

"Yes," Kensi nodded. "We've spent so many weeks trying to pretend like it didn't happen, trying to ignore the issue. Now, if the subject accidentally comes up, everyone is apologetic and awkward. I want to know how I can ease your uncertainties." She looked at Sam and Callen while continuing.

"I don't want you to think any less of me. Everything they did to me in that cave, it was all torture. We've all been tortured. Just because they chose to use sex instead of a power drill, it's all the same in the end."

Now she was looking at Deeks, who was once again not breathing.

Kensi went on, "It sucks, but we have to move past it."

"But it's not the same," Deeks whispered. "I never liked the dentist. You used to love…" his voice petered out, embarrassed.

"But I will," she insisted, trying to get Deeks to look at her. "I need you to believe that. I need you to still think of me the way you used to. I need you to refuse to let them ruin our thing."

She barely heard him whisper, "Maybe it's too late."

"I need that to not be true."

But now he was the one who wouldn't look her in the eyes.

"Please," she begged him, "Look at me. Tell me we can get past this."

"I want to, I really do," he looked up now, anguish in his eyes, "but I'm terrified of hurting you."

And Kensi closed her eyes tight against the nightmare images that threatened to convince her that he was right, that he would hurt her, that she should let him go.

"Ok," she whispered, "I understand. Just don't give up, okay?"

"Okay," he whispered.

Sam and Callen exhaled in unison. Nate put his hand on Deeks' shoulder and reminded him of his willingness to help.

"I'm just a phone call away if you need me. Hetty promised to keep me here until you are all ready."

"Thank you."

"Do you want to call it a day, Kensi, or is there something else you would like to discuss with everyone?" Nate wisely asked.

"You can go home," she made eye contact with Sam, Callen, and Deeks. "Just don't be afraid to ask questions, and try your best to treat me normally."

"Roger that."

"Can do."

"Ok."

And Kensi locked eyes with Deeks before echoing him.

"Ok."


	13. Chapter 12

**Author's Note:** _Just so you know, I am actually pro-life. But that doesn't change the fact that this is how I think Nate and Kensi would discuss Kensi's fear. And I hope my opinion and/or the opinion of the fictional characters portrayed herein doesn't dissuade you from following this story to its completion. _

"Would you like to talk now, or meet up with me tomorrow?" Nate asked Kensi, "It's been an intense conversation with the others. If you need a break, I understand."

"No, I need to explain. I need to know how to deal with a couple of things."

"I'll do my best to help you."

"Thank you."

"Is there something in particular you want to talk about? Did you want to explain what else was bothering you in the bathroom yesterday?"

"That will work. That's a good place to start," Kensi gathered her thoughts. She stared across the room for a moment before speaking.

"The worst part, the thing that I can't understand, is this. I was 100% positive that I was in fact pregnant. And in that moment, I wanted to kill the bastard child. I wasn't picturing a fetus, I was picturing a miniature person that looked nothing like those men in the cave, an innocent child. And I still wanted to kill him. I wanted to violently rip him from my body."

She was crying as she went on, "How could I want that?"

"Kensi," Nate looked her in the eye, "You went through hell. We don't expect you to be okay with that. The thought of having a child from one of those monsters? It's understandable to feel that way, to want to kill those men, to want to kill their child."

"That's just it. I never pictured myself killing those men. I heard Granger order the air strike. I know they are gone. But if there is a child, then they aren't gone. They never will be."

"Was," Nate corrected her, "If there _was_ a child… The test was negative."

Kensi anxiously bit her lip.

"I don't even like kids," she kept talking, "but the thought of killing this one horrified me."

"Why?" Nate asked, confused about why this issue was eating at Kensi so much.

"How could a mother kill her own child? What kind of person would that make me?"

"Kensi," Nate tried to calm the agent down, "There is no child. This is a hypothetical situation. Even if the test were positive, you would be perfectly justified in having an abortion. It isn't killing your child. It is simply removing the fetal tissue. You know that. Right?"

"I don't know what's true anymore."

Nate took a deep breath, trying to dissect that statement and figure out what Kensi meant.

"You would never kill a child, Kensi. Not after it was born."

"How do you know that? Afghanistan changed me."

"I know that because I know you," Nate stared at Kensi, trying to show her with his gaze how firmly he believed what he was saying. "Nothing they did to you could change who you are."

"I don't feel the same. I feel like a different person. I feel like I'm outside looking in, wondering how that person I used to be could possibly have been real."

"That's normal after a situation like yours."

"There is anger. At everyone. And fear. I don't understand the fear. I was never afraid of anything. Fear makes you do stupid stuff."

"Fear makes you human."

"I don't want to be human."

Nate laughed lightly. "But fear and anger aren't the only thing that makes you human. There's also happiness, conscience, empathy, and love. You can't give up on love because that is what makes the fear bearable. You have a team that has always had your back. They love you. And you need to trust them again."

"I just want to run away, to start a new life where I don't have to pretend to be the person I was before Afghanistan."

"Kensi," Nate tried again, "you are still that person. Maybe a little more rough around the edges, but you are still you. You need to stop pretending and start _being_. If you need to cry, cry. If you need to yell, yell. Don't pretend to be tougher than you are. It doesn't change who you are. Your team will not think any less of you. Do you have any idea how proud they were of you today? They've been waiting for weeks for you to be yourself again. They can all see right through the façade you've been building. They want you to be _you_. And they saw that today."

"Really?" Kensi questioned, "All I did was admit that I had let a group of men hold me down and rape me, and that it hadn't bothered me that much. All I did was make a fool of myself and confirm their suspicions that I am a wreck."

Nate blew out a breath. There were so many things in that statement that he needed Kensi to see differently.

"Honesty," Nate started, "Honesty is all they want. And you gave them that today. Honesty and trust."

He caught her eyes, and could see her struggling to make sense of what he was saying.

"And yes, you are a wreck," he said. Kensi snorted.

"But you admitted it for the first time since you came home. And you didn't make a fool of yourself. And you didn't '_let'_ those men assault you. Kensi, you had no choice."

"I walked up to them and allowed myself to be captured intentionally. You can't get much more willing than that."

"Kensi, you thought Jack was in charge. You had no idea things would go south. You were lied to by the CIA."

"And Hetty."

"Yes, unfortunately," Nate nodded. "Is that part of why you are having trouble trusting the team?"

"Yes," Kensi admitted. "That and…" She sucked in her lip, her forehead creased. She couldn't find the words.

"The nightmares," she finally stated.

Nate just waited for her to explain.

"Everything got so confusing. They did things… They struck me between the legs. On the breasts. As punishment for sleeping with them. They gave me fifty lashes for each sexual partner. I was trying to remember Deeks' smile in order to separate myself from my body, but instead, my memories of sleeping with him mixed with the memories of those men in the cave… Then it is him on top of me in the cave, holding me down, blaming me for giving my body to him. I can't stop the nightmares. And now, I can't even remember what is true and what is false."

"So you and Deeks?" Nate asked.

"Really?" she glared at him, "All of that and the part you latch onto is that I said I slept with my partner?"

"But isn't that why we are having this discussion?"

"No!" she practically yelled. Nate just continued staring at her.

"I don't know," she whispered. "It just happened, and then Hetty sent me to Afghanistan and I didn't even have a chance to think about it."

"It makes sense Kensi," Nate stated.

"Are you kidding? None of this makes sense!"

"You are suffering from some PTSD, and you've tangled up your fear about what sleeping with Deeks means for your partnership into the mess. You really need to speak with Deeks. Perhaps he can help with your nightmares. He told me about last night."

"Nothing happened."

"Exactly. There were no nightmares."

Kensi looked up, realizing for the first time that she had slept all night without waking up physically sick after a brutal nightmare. And she had done it in Deeks' arms.

"Wow," she muttered.

"Wow indeed."


	14. Chapter 13

"How is Miss Blye?"

"Hetty, I don't know how to say this," Nate started, standing in front of her desk. Despite towering over her, he was terribly intimidated by the diminutive woman.

"Should I take her out of the field?"

"No," Nate answered quickly, his brow creasing in question.

"Then what seems to be the problem?"

"You."

Nate's eyes widened when he realized the bluntness of his response. Hetty raised a single eyebrow and raised her ubiquitous teacup to her lips, staring down the psychologist, willing him to explain.

"Well," he stumbled over the words, "she's having trust issues."

"Understandable considering her past."

"It's not about Jack."

Nate met Hetty's stare, knowing that the brilliant woman was fully aware of what he was saying.

"If she can't follow my orders, then I cannot send her out."

"She'll obey you, but she doesn't trust you. And that could prove to be a problem."

"I don't need my agents to like me. I simply need them to follow orders."

"If you keep this up much longer, I'm not sure any of them will continue following your orders."

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"Kensi, wait!" Nell called as she jogged down the stairs from Ops. "I'm glad I caught you."

"I'm not," Kensi smirked, stopping on her way out the door to wait for her friend.

"Ha, ha. Like you forgot our plans for tonight."

"What's that?" Deeks head snapped up from the bag he was packing to head home, "a girl's night out? Are you doing that threesome thing again? Because I'd really like to see that."

"Eew, Deeks. Gross." Kensi made a disgusted face at her partner.

"Um, no," Nell answered him.

"Come on Kens," she said as she linked elbows with the taller agent.

"Wonder what they're up to," Callen thought out loud as he watched them leave.

"Was it just me, or was Nell acting weird?" Deeks asked.

"You're just sore they didn't invite you," Sam countered.

"Touche`," Deeks responded, "Wait. Did you just say 'sore'? Like Little Orphan Annie? Does anyone even use that word anymore?"

"Did you just compare me to a small, curly-haired girl?"

Deeks swallowed loudly.

"No fighting, kids," Callen rolled his eyes. Deeks took that opportunity to leave quickly before Sam could take more offense.

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"Nell, I really don't want to do this."

"Kens, you promised."

"I know. But that doesn't mean I like it."

"I'd be worried if you weren't nervous. But you know you have to do this."

"I…"

Kensi was interrupted by the sound of the door opening and someone calling into the waiting room, "Fern Jones?"

Nell whispered in Kensi's ear, "Because they'll _never_ know that isn't your real name…"

"Shut up," Kensi smiled at her friend as they rose to follow the nurse into an exam room.

"So what brings you in today, Fern?" the nurse asked, surprisingly unphased by the unusual name. Kensi turned to Nell, eyes wide, suddenly unable to speak.

"My sister," Nell started, trying to ignore the nurse's double take as she looked back and forth between the two women unable to find a hint of familial resemblance, "well, she's embarrassed because she had unprotected sex while we were in Vegas and we don't remember the guy's name." Nell paused, biting her lip.

"How long since your trip?"

"Six weeks."

"It's been too long for a morning after pill, but I can run an STD panel and a pregnancy test. Did you have any other concerns?"

"No," Kensi whispered.

"Okay then. If you could just step into the bathroom down the hall and give me a clean catch urine sample in this cup. The directions are on the wall by the toilet. When you get back here, undress from the waist down and hop up on the table. The exam and swabs should only take a couple of minutes. I noticed you didn't leave a phone number for us to call with the results. What number would you like us to use?"

Kensi's eyes were wide, near panic. Nell stepped in to rescue her.

"Here, use mine." She grabbed the intake form and put her cell number on the chart.

"Thank you," Kensi whispered.

"Anytime."

The nurse pretended that this was a normal turn of events as she left the room to collect the necessary items for the STD panel, but she couldn't help but worry about the overly thin, dark haired beauty. Clearly the woman she was with was not her sister, and she highly doubted her real name was Fern Jones. Her nervous demeanor and lack of phone number screamed domestic violence. It wasn't terribly unusual in a free women's clinic like this one. But something about this woman was different. She couldn't place her finger on it. She was tempted to call the cops, but she had nothing concrete on which to base her suspicions.

When the two women returned from the bathroom, the nurse was already in the room with a tray of supplies. She reached for the cup of urine and turned around while Kensi awkwardly removed her pants and underwear. She couldn't help but notice that 'Fern's' hand had been shaking when she handed her the sample container. She unscrewed the lid and slipped the test strip into the yellow liquid, leaving it on the counter. She pulled off her gloves, flipping them into the trash with one hand while pulling a new pair from the box on the wall. She snapped the new gloves into place and asked if her patient was ready before she turned around.

Kensi was lying on the exam table, her knuckles white as she grasped Nell's hands in a death grip.

"It's okay, Fern." Nell reassured her friend.

"I'm going to lift your feet into the stirrups now," the nurse stated before tapping Kensi's knee and positioning her. She expected her patient to flinch, or recoil, as convinced as she was that 'Fern' was a victim and not just a forgetful vacationer. She was surprised when there was no reaction.

"Okay, the first test I need to run needs a cervical swab. That means I'm going to need to use the speculum to get a clear view into your vagina. There will be some pressure. Is that okay?"

"Just do it," Kensi hissed.

"The lubricant is a little cold," the nurse warned. Again, she was surprised at a lack of reaction from her patient. Her muscles were tight, taut with obvious tension, but she didn't cringe or pull back. She schooled her face in a neutral position. The nurse was impressed, but it only deepened her worry.

As she prepared to insert the instrument, she did a quick external exam, and she couldn't help but gasp.

"What is it?" Nell asked, worried. Kensi once again didn't react.

"Scars," the nurse stated, setting the tool back on the sterile tray and pushing Kensi's knees together, "But you knew that _Fern_, didn't you?" She over emphasized the name, making it clear she didn't believe for a minute that it was her real name.

"Before I go any further, I need to know what's really going on here."

"No, you don't," Kensi spoke forcefully.

The nurse pulled out her personal phone. "I'm calling the cops. Whatever you're involved in, it isn't good. I can't let this go on."

"Nell, show her," Kensi sighed.

Nell pulled out her badge, "You won't call the cops because I am a federal agent and this case is classified. So if you could please treat _Fern_ we would greatly appreciate it." Nell also accented the fake name, making it clear that she wasn't going to share Kensi's real name, or even disclose the fact that she, too, was an agent. Let the nurse make her own assumptions, as long as Kensi got the care she needed. Nell held the nurse's gaze with a Hetty-like stare until the woman nodded and pulled on a new pair of gloves.

"Okay Fern," she placed her hands on Kensi's knees, "I'm going to start with the speculum. It will feel cold, and you'll feel pressure. Please stop me if it is too uncomfortable."

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"I've got good news and bad news," the nurse stated as she turned her back to allow Kensi to dress. She pulled the test strip from the urine cup and laid it on the towel before flipping her gloves into the trash.

"Give it to me straight," Kensi responded, startling the nurse with her calmness. All traces of anxiety were strangely gone as the nurse turned back around to discuss her findings.

"The good news is that I didn't see any visual indications of active infection, although we'll need the test results to confirm that. Also there didn't appear to be any internal lacerations and the external scars appear to be well-healed."

Kensi and Nell nodded in unison.

"Would you mind if I checked your back to make sure those are healed as well?"

Kensi gasped, "How did you know?"

"I saw the back of your thighs, sweetie."

"They're fine. The agency doc cleared them weeks ago."

"But your _sister_ didn't know about the vulvar injuries. I'm guessing the agency doc didn't either?"

"You would be correct."

"So you are here to keep the sexual aspect of your abuse hidden."

For the first time since the exam began, Kensi flinched. Nell stepped in again to rescue her from the prying nurse.

"Her coworkers are aware of the situation. We didn't want them privy to the results of your tests."

The nosy nurse smiled as Nell unwittingly confirmed her suspicions that Kensi was also a federal agent. While she had no idea how or where Kensi had received her injuries, she was fascinated all the same. What kind of federal agent could sustain injuries like this in the line of duty? Or were the injuries of a more personal nature? Did she know her attacker? She shook her head, knowing that she'd probably never know. Once the women left the clinic, she'd probably never see or hear from them again.

"You said there was bad news," Kensi interrupted the nurse's train of thought.

"Yeah, you are going to need to go back to your agency doctor."


	15. Chapter 14

**Author's Note:** _Don't worry my faithful readers; this story WILL have a happy ending. I cannot stand tales that end with "Life sucks, so deal with it" instead of "Happily ever after."  
_

"Hetty?" Nell asked, "Can I talk to you?"

"Come in, have a seat Miss Jones. To what do I owe the pleasure?"

"It's about Kensi," Nell looked across the empty room, making sure no one would overhear the conversation.

"She needs to see the doctor again."

"What is the basis of your assertion?"

"I may have taken her to a Women's Clinic…" Nell chewed on the side of her lip. "I think she is in denial about what she was told. I don't think she should be on active duty right now, at least not until the doctor clears her."

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"Finally," Kensi gushed when she opened the door to find Deeks standing on her stoop with a bag of gourmet popcorn and a RedBox disk.

"So did you have fun with Nell last night?" he asked as she pulled the food from his arms and started munching on the candy coated snack.

"No," she muttered, unable to stop a few crumbs from spraying when she spoke.

"Classy."

"Like you can talk, Shaggy," she rubbed her hand on top of his head.

"Hey," he ducked away, "that took me all night to style!"

She laughed at the affronted look on his face, and then tossed a kernel of popcorn into his gaping mouth.

After the bag of popcorn had been successfully scattered about the room in a hysterical effort to repeat the perfect toss and catch, Kensi collapsed onto the couch winded.

"That wore you out?" Deeks asked as he plopped beside her.

"I haven't laughed like that…"

He turned to face her, desperate to cut off whatever she was about to say. He wasn't ready to talk about Afghanistan. He wanted to kiss her and hold her in his arms and let her know that she was going to be okay. His eyes caught hers, and she froze mid-sentence, mesmerized by the raw desire she saw there.

There was no conscious thought involved when she leaned forward and captured Deeks' mouth with hers. Her tongue begged for access, and he responded hungrily. She shifted her body, lifting her leg over his lap and straddling him, deepening the kiss, moaning into his mouth. This was just what she needed.

Suddenly, Deeks pushed her away.

"Stop," he panted, still catching his breath, "We can't do this." Her eyes sought his, searching for a reason. All she saw was pity, and she couldn't comprehend, and her heart screamed betrayal.

"Why?" she begged him, "I'm ready. I need this. I need you."

"I can't," he stated simply before standing up. "I'm sorry." And he walked out of her apartment. What she couldn't see was that he stopped just outside her door and slid to the ground in tears.

Once she heard the door latch shut, and she realized he had left, her tears came. For the first time since Afghanistan, she knew what she needed. But she was faced with the reality that she might not get it. More than anything, she was overwhelmed with sadness. Pulled from the field by Hetty this morning, and now, those Taliban monsters had managed to ruin her thing with her partner. He didn't see her as Kensi anymore. He saw her as a weak, used up shell of her former self. And maybe that was all she was.

She cried herself to sleep, and wasn't at all surprised when the nightmares came. This time, Hetty was holding her down while those men abused her and Deeks sat to the side watching, his eyes full of pity but not making a move to help her.

She woke up hours later, crying. Her pillow was wet with tears, her body damp with perspiration, her stomach roiling. She didn't stop crying when she knelt in front of the toilet, emptying her stomach in violent heaves. The tears still came when she finally unfolded her now aching knees and prepared to take a shower. Under the warm spray, she washed away the external signs of her night-time travail, and her salty tears mixed with the shower drops until she could cry no more.

Across town, Deeks, too, was wide awake. His arms wrapped around Monty, he struggled to keep from having a panic attack. The dog whimpered in his arms, somewhat offended by the two tight grasp. But Deeks needed to hold onto someone, to something to maintain his sanity. He finally registered the discomfort of the dog and let him go. His fingers now fiddling with the piece of paper that was damp from being grasped so tightly in his hand. After a minute or two of deep breathing, he continued to fiddle with the paper. Sighing, he grabbed his phone off the coffee table and dialed the digits on the paper.

"Motel Six Santa Barbara," the kid on the other end of the line answered, "What can I do ya' for?"

"I need connected to room 206."

"Alrighty. Hold please."

Deeks heard the sound of a phone ringing before a groggy voice answered.

"Who is this and why are calling me in the middle of the night?"

Deeks breathed loudly into the phone, suddenly finding himself at a loss for words.

"Is there anyone there?"

Finally Deeks mustered up his voice.

"Nate?"

"Deeks?" The psychologist sat up in his bed.

"I screwed up," Deeks stated, "I need you."

"I'll be at your place in fifteen minutes."

"Thank you."

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"Why didn't you call my cell phone?" Nate asked once he was sitting at Deeks' table.

"Traceable."

"Wow, you must really be in trouble," he tried to joke. Deeks didn't even crack a smile.

"So why am I here?"

"Kensi kissed me…" Deeks couldn't find the words to explain what had happened next.

"And?"

"It was amazing, but…" Again Deeks struggled.

Nate just nodded his head, encouraging him to continue.

"I couldn't," Deeks looked down. "I was so afraid she'd have a flashback, and I kept picturing my nightmares of her writhing in pain and I couldn't keep going. I ran away." He looked up, his eyes full of anguish.

"Tell me about your nightmares."

"What? I thought we were talking about how I just threw my partner under a bus."

"But why did you leave her?"

Deeks paused before answering, "The nightmares."

Nate nodded.

"They always start with me trapped in a cave, tied to the wall. And then they light a fire and I see Kensi and she's sleeping peacefully and I call to her but she can't hear me. And then they surround her and they are speaking English so I know exactly what they are planning and I scream and shout for Kensi to fight back but she never does. The number of them keeps growing, one after another they tear off her clothes and beat her and stone her and whip her and… None of them hear me. The dream always ends with her dead, with the photo that the Taliban left for us to find."

"That was a gruesome image. But it wasn't real."

"I know that, but my dreams don't."

"You said you were worried about her having a flashback. Are you also worried that _you_ will have one?"

"Yes."

"What you did in Afghanistan, does that haunt you?"

"Haunt. That's a good word. But is there an even stronger word? Something closer to demon possession? I was willing to kill a man, to torture him _to death_ just because I believed they had killed Kensi. I can't get that out of my head. I am a terrible person."

"No, Marty."

Deeks startled at Nate's use of his first name.

"You are a _good_ person. You stopped yourself. You couldn't do it. _You_ saved Kensi. _You_ figured out who that blind man was. _You_ negotiated a hostage exchange. _You_ are a _good_ man."

"I'm glad Granger ordered the air strike. I'm glad they are all dead."

"It's war, Deeks. Either they die or we do. It's okay to be glad they are dead."

"But they weren't an imminent threat anymore."

"Perhaps to your team, but what about the villages they were terrorizing, or the next American soldier they managed to get their hands on? Would you want anyone else to suffer like Kensi and Jack?"

"Jack," Deeks spit out the name. "That's a whole 'nother bag of crazy."

"Why does Jack bother you?"

"Are you serious? He's the jack ass," he snorted at his pun, "who left her stranded on CHRISTMAS MORNING. Broke her heart. She's never put the pieces back together."

"Perhaps seeing him again has finally helped her move past him. She knows he is okay now. Happy without her, so she can be happy without him."

While Deeks thought about Nate's statement, the silence was interrupted by the ringing of Nate's cell phone.

"It's Kensi," he said, looking at Deeks.

"Go, she needs you more than I do."

"Are you sure?"

"Yes, please, go put a band-aid on the fatal wound I just inflicted on her heart."

"Deeks," Nate reached for the man, ignoring his ringing phone.

"Answer the phone already, don't abandon her like I did."

"I _will_ talk with you more, later."

Deeks nodded and practically shoved Nate outside.

He could hear Nate answer the call as he shut and locked the front door.

"Kensi? Are you okay?"


	16. Chapter 15

**Author's Note: **_Sorry for the delay, readers, I really struggled with exactly how I wanted this medical angle to play out. I have deleted the poll with the options, because the route I have decided to go doesn't follow any of those exactly. So please try to forget what you read if you read those "choose-your-own adventure" paragraphs, possibly re-reading the scene in the doctor's office to remember what was and wasn't said. I'm sorry for the confusion. This is the first time I've tried to work through the road block and actually complete the story for my readers, so I hope you can forgive me. Thank you! Lastly, read this entire chapter before you decide whether to keep going, because things aren't always what they seem._

"Where are Kensi and Deeks?" Sam asked Callen, looking around the bullpen but seeing no sign of the two.

"Who knows? Maybe they are still in bed," Callen raised an eyebrow suggestively.

"No," Sam held up his hands, "Don't even go there. What they do at home better well stay at home."

"And maybe that's why they aren't here."

"Ughhh," Sam crinkled his nose in disgust.

Deeks came around the corner, clearly exhausted, practically dragging his feet, and looking around nervously.

He was so bedraggled that Callen couldn't stop himself from asking, "What happened to you?" Deeks startled at the comment, and swallowed heavily, unsure how to answer.

"Ummm," Deeks pursed his lips, "Have you seen Kensi?"

"No," Sam answered, prepared to repeat Callen's question but he went silent when Deeks visibly relaxed at the realization that his partner wasn't in yet.

"Miss Blye won't be in today," Hetty spoke from directly behind Deeks, somehow materializing out of thin air.

"Geez Hetty!" Deeks yelped, jumping and spinning 180 degrees as he spoke, "Why not?"

"She has an appointment."

"With Nate? But he was just at her place." Deeks realized his mistake as soon as he finished speaking.

"No," Hetty glared at the detective, "Not with Mr. Getz. However, I cannot help but inquire how you, Mr. Deeks, know of Miss Blye's overnight visitor." She arched an eyebrow in challenge.

Deeks was rescued from the uncomfortable interrogation by Eric's whistle.

"Gotta run," he turned back to tell Hetty, but she was gone.

"Creepy vanishing ninja."

"I heard that Mr. Deeks."

"With ears like a bat."

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"Thanks for coming with me today, Nate," Kensi spoke from the exam table.

"We've been over this," Nate stopped her from continuing; "You've thanked me seven times since we left your house. Do not mention it again."

"Hetty blind-sided me with this stupid appointment."

"Did she?"

"Rgghhh," Kensi growled, knowing that Nate was right. "No. I need to be here. I just don't want to. I want to forget it all. I want to go back to how it was."

"You can, and you will. This is just a small speed bump."

"Small? Are you kidding me? Hetty won't put me on active duty. I've been in the field with a fever of 103 degrees. Hetty doesn't pull an agent for a 'small speed bump'."

"She does after they were held in a cave by Taliban insurgents who raped and beat her to within an inch of her life."

Nate knew he was taking a gamble when he met Kensi's anger head on with that statement. But he needed to knock some sense into her. And it worked. Instead of retreating, Kensi's eyes held his, the spark of anger continuing to burn.

"You do not have the right to speak to me like that."

"I do, Kensi. You need to listen to me. You can't ignore what happened. It happened. And you have to talk to me. And you need to talk to your partner, too. He doesn't even know you are here, does he?"

"No," Kensi's anger left in a huff, her shoulders visibly deflating as she looked into her lap. "I was going to ask him to come, but after last night…" She swallowed a lump in her throat, tears threatening to fall.

"He needs to know."

"He shoved me away!" Her anger was replacing the grief once again, her voice crescendoing as she spoke, "The look in his eyes said it all. Exactly what I've been afraid of since the first moment he found out those bastards pinned me down and forced themselves on me. All he can see now is a filthy whore."

She was panting now, struggling on a precipice between sobbing and shrieking.

"It's complicated," Nate tried to defend Deeks, to explain to Kensi a bit of Deeks' heartache without betraying his trust. But he wasn't given a chance. There was a staccato knock on the door, and a white coated physician strode into the room with purposeful steps.

"Miss Blye, what brings you in today?"

"Really?" she glares at the doctor, "Why else would I be here half naked in the ultrasound room of the radiology department? I thought you were the doctor."

Surprised by her anger, the doc took a step back from the exam table.

"Kensi," Nate cautioned her, calming her with a hand to her shoulder.

"I'm sorry," she apologized. "This isn't your fault." She closed her eyes and took a deep breath. "The nurse at the Woman's Clinic wants to make sure I don't need a D and C."

"Talk to me about the timeline. When did you first suspect a pregnancy?"

"I took a home pregnancy test last week. It was positive."

"Do you know how far along you would have been at that point?"

"Six weeks and two days."

"From conception?"

She nodded.

"That would put you at eight weeks from an obstetrical standpoint, counting from your last normal menstrual cycle, if the test was accurate. It was most likely a false positive, although the nurse's physical exam at the clinic left enough suspicion to send you to me, correct?"

The doctor was preparing for the ultrasound as he spoke, sliding Kensi's shirt up and slipping a towel into the waistband of her yoga pants.

"The beta-hCG level in your blood work from this morning definitively proves that you are not currently pregnant. Since you haven't passed any uterine lining or fetal tissue, we need to make sure that you did not have an ectopic pregnancy and that you are not retaining a non-viable fetus."

He pulled the bottle of gel from the warmer and spread it onto the end of the wand before placing his hand on Kensi's abdomen followed by the wand. She flinched when the warm gel contacted her skin.

She didn't even realize she was holding her breath until she heard Nate speaking.

"Breathe, Kensi."

The doctor continued talking as he moved the transducer across Kensi's abdomen.

"It is most likely that you are not, and never were pregnant. The subjective descriptor of a blue tinged cervix as noted by the nurse you visited previously was probably just due to a functional difference in anatomy."

"Meaning?"

"Sorry," the doctor apologized for speaking in medical terms, "the nurse thought your cervix looked engorged like it does in pregnancy, but there are plenty of other reasons. She was probably wrong. I don't see any indications of pregnancy, either intrauterine or ectopic."

The doctor wiped off Kensi's abdomen and then handed her a second towel while cleaning off the ultrasound equipment.

"Then why haven't I," she looked at Nate, suddenly, inexplicably embarrassed.

"Had your menstrual cycle?" the doctor finished her sentence. Kensi nodded. The doctor answered.

"The ultrasound indicated that your uterine lining is currently quite thin, and your blood tests showed rather marked anemia. Your medical records indicate that the nurse at the clinic recommended iron supplements. Have you been taking those?"

"I haven't had time to go to the pharmacy."

"Kensi," Nate glared at her.

"From what Hetty told me, she would like you back in the field, but you need to get yourself back into shape. And that includes eating properly, sleeping enough, and getting your RBC count back up. It shouldn't be hard, as long as you follow directions."

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"Kensi," Nate interrupted the silence in the car, "Why didn't you tell me that you had Nell help you hide the positive pregnancy test?"

"It was easier to pretend."

"And when you talked about your desire to kill an innocent child, as you put it, that must have been eating at you until the clinic confirmed you weren't pregnant. And even then, when you thought you had miscarried, did you blame yourself for not wanting that child?"

"Of course I did! I had no idea if I was relieved or horrified. I thought that I really had killed an innocent child. That I had been so angry and scared in that bathroom with Nell that it was my fault I was no longer pregnant."

"But you weren't pregnant. You simply thought you were."

"Does it matter?"

"And it wasn't an innocent child. There was no fetus. There was no child."

"And if there had been? What would I have done? They ruined me, Nate."

It took him a minute to connect the dots, to figure out what Kensi wasn't saying.

"You wanted children. And now you don't."

Kensi just nodded, a single tear sliding down her cheek.


	17. Chapter 16

**Author's Note**: _SOrry about another short chapter, but you'll agree this is setting up for a long overdue conversation that will be quite time consuming._

Kensi stood alone in her kitchen, staring at the row of bottles lined up behind her sink; Ferrous sulfate, women's multi-vitamin, Docusate, Prazosin, and a brand new pack of birth control pills. The entire pharmacological collection was on the receiving end of a vicious glare. She clenched and unclenched her fists, wanting desperately to throw them all across the room. Stupid anemia. Stupid malnutrition. Stupid medication side effects. Stupid nightmares. And stupid, stupid, stupid lack of periods. Each and every diagnosis was a painful reminder of Afghanistan and her difficulty upon her return to the States. She knew she was being childish, and she just didn't care. She ran her hand through her hair and took a deep breath, counting to ten as she pulled a glass from the cupboard. She filled it with water and set it on the counter before picking up the first bottle.

"Here we go," she whispered as she opened the bottle and swallowed the first pill, followed by the second, third, fourth, and fifth.

"And now," she refilled the glass of water and continued to sip as she stalked over to her refrigerator, "to eat something."

She couldn't help but swear when she opened the door to find nothing but a few bottles of beer and a nearly empty carton of orange juice. On reflex, she picked up her phone and started to dial Deeks, before stopping suddenly. She set the phone down and picked up her purse, stalking rapidly to the front door, preparing to run to the store by herself. With her hand on the doorknob, she turned back to the kitchen before retracing her steps and picking up her phone. Deeks' face stared back at her from the open phone book app. She dropped her purse to the floor and sat down right there in the middle of the kitchen with her head on her knees. She couldn't stop the tears.

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Deeks sat in his car outside the OSP, trying to work up the energy to insert the key into the ignition. He didn't know what his next move was. _Another sleepless night alone in his bed? The bar down by the beach where no one knew his name? Nate? Kensi?_

He knew what he needed to do. But he was so scared. It would be so much easier to just run away. Tender his resignation and disappear. But he had told Sam and Callen that he wouldn't abandon Kensi. So he steeled his resolve, started the car, and headed toward that Chinese place that Kensi loved to pick up dinner on his way to her place.


	18. Chapter 17

**Author's Note:** _This chapter was very hard to write, so I am sorry for the delay. In the end, I decided that the details of Kensi's ordeal are best kept between Deeks and Kensi. We the readers don't need to know them. Additionally, I wasn't sure about the end of this chapter. There is a lot more for them to talk about, and they know it, but they woke up in each other's arms, full of that lovin' feeling... And it's vague enough, maybe they just kissed. A lot. I don't know, I prefer not to watch my characters in their most intimate moments._

Deeks was outside Kensi's door, kicking the door instead of knocking because his hands were too full to use. She knew it was him, because he was uttering a non-stop stream of chatter, something about egg rolls and chopsticks and cheeseburgers that didn't make a lick of sense. She remained frozen on the kitchen floor, barely breathing. Maybe he would go away if he thought she wasn't home. She heard a clattering sound followed by swearing.

"That's it, I'm calling you. If you don't answer the phone I'm using your hide-a-key."

Her phone rang in her hand, somehow startling her in spite of his warning. She ignored it.

She still hadn't mustered up the strength to move when Deeks stumbled through the front door, dropping some bags on the floor before reaching outside for more. She just watched with sad, tired eyes.

She didn't say anything when he came in and wordlessly helped her to her feet and led her to the couch. Neither of them spoke when he handed her a carton of noodles and a pair of chopsticks. She ate in silence as he filled her cupboards and fridge with groceries. She didn't have to ask how he knew what she needed. He always knew. And he didn't have to talk to tell her he loved her. His presence said it loud and clear. But they both knew it wasn't enough. The silence hung in the air, fraught with tension and uncertainty, but also ripe with hope. A resolution was coming, if only they could find a way to talk about it. They could do this, if they did it together.

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"I'm sorry I left." Deeks' voice cut through the silence like a knife. They were sitting side by side on the couch, awkward, uncomfortable. The take-out boxes were on the coffee table, empty. Kensi hadn't uttered a word since Deeks' arrival. Even now, she didn't talk. She just nodded and handed him a pillow.

He took it with a small smile and shifted closer to her, the pillow an unspoken invitation to get comfortable. A reminder of the many evenings they had spent together on the couch, and a promise to get their relationship back into that comfort zone.

"It's funny how much a pillow can mean," Deeks ruminated.

"At least it's not pink."

It surprised him that the first thing out of her mouth would be something so mundane, a typical snark about her partner. He expected her to be brooding over how to bring up Afghanistan, or to want to talk about that kiss, or where their relationship stood. But maybe this was the best way. They were settling into the couch, getting comfortable both physically and mentally. This was going to be a long night.

"Do you need anything else, Kens? Do you want me to call Nate? Are you hungry? Thirsty?"

"I'm fine… Well, not fine, but that's why we're here now, on this couch, together. Right?"

There was so much uncertainty in her voice that it startled Deeks.

"Kensi, I am not leaving this couch until we both decide, together, that it is time."

She nodded, accepting his apology and his promise for what it was- more than just a commitment to finish this conversation.

"So why did you leave after I kissed you?"

"I didn't want to hurt you," he started, holding up his hand to stop her from interrupting, "I know, I know, that's exactly what I did. It's just… Callen said you were scared of me, that you told Sam it was my fault. And talking to Nate, I realized if I do this, if I get close to you, I can never undo it. And the thought of opening myself up to you, while you were still struggling to interpret your own feelings… What if you changed your mind? Or freaked out if I… Kensi… I'm scared of loving you, because losing you is already too painful to process. I thought you were dead! And I wasn't me after that. I lost myself. I'm not sure I can ever find who I was before."

"Me either."

He was startled by her admission. He expected her to blithely promise that they would get through this together. Or at the very least to stare at him in confusion. He was 99% certain that half of what he had just said made no sense.

"You're afraid the man I was is gone, or you're afraid the woman I fell in love with is gone? Because, Kensi, I loved you before Afghanistan, and I love you even more now."

And just like that he admitted how far gone he was. The man he was before _was_ gone, because he had handed his heart over to his partner and he could never take it back.

"How can you say that? How can you love me _more_ now? You flinch when I try to hold your hand. You're doing it right now, inching away from me."

He looked down, surprised to see that she was in fact ghosting her pinkie across his retreating hand.

"I'm afraid of hurting you. Kensi, when you kissed me, I felt them mocking us. When my body reacted to your touch, all I could picture was a cave full of men with the same biological process and I just couldn't, Kensi. I couldn't handle it."

"It wasn't a cave full. There were only four. Well, five, but the last one…" she paused, looking into his eyes, making sure he was really ready for this conversation.

"I haven't told anyone the details. Not Nate. Not the doctor. They're not in the after action report. Just between you and me, Deeks, I want you to know what happened so that you can move past it."

Deeks swallowed and nodded, before reaching out his hand and grasping hers. He rubbed circles into her palm, calming himself in the process, and reassuring her that he wasn't backing down. They would face these demons together.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

"When the helicopter took off, I couldn't let go of Jack. I was in so much pain I couldn't see straight. I honestly wasn't sure if it was really happening, or if I would wake up again to a throbbing headache and more abuse. Or maybe the sunlight we were moving toward was the light at the end of the tunnel and it was the end. By the time the camp doctor had stitched and bandaged what he could and I slipped into my own clothes I was pretty sure that I wasn't dreaming. I hugged Jack goodbye, and then you were there. And suddenly, I realized I was going home. It was over. It was over."

She looked up into his tear soaked eyes and added, "It _is_ over."

She rested her head against his chest, and he leaned his cheek on the top of her head, and they just held each other. Neither one noticed when the other fell asleep, and before they realized it, the morning sun was streaming in through the windows.

She woke up first, surprised to find Deeks under her and she shifted her weight in preparation to stand. When she did so, he moaned quietly in his sleep and she become uncomfortably aware of the fact that he was having a less than G rated dream. She tried to ignore the bulge in his pants, but she couldn't extract herself from his arms. His grip on her tightened, and she decided to play along.

He wasn't sure when exactly he woke up. His dream and his reality were shockingly similar. But when they were both basking in the afterglow, she surprised him with her candor.

"We still have a lot to talk about."

"I know."

"Later."

And she straddled him, kissing him deeply. And this time, neither one pulled away.


End file.
